I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
i drank out of a bidet.
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
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