he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
Why is there bacon in the couch?
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
