I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
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