Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
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