Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
I woke up under the kitchen table. Andy is cursing out Joe Exotic's name in between heaves in the bathroom. Jay is trying to sleep w/ a shirt tied over his eyes. Lena and Brad braved the sun to go get bloody mary supplies and food. I'd say the Tiger King drinking game was a success.
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