FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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