u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
I wish i could go to google and type in drug dealers and it would bring up a number, a product and direction
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Randomize
