TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
Randomize
