The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
