That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
Hmm should I take my nipple rings out before my sisters wedding/family vacation in Puerto Rico where I will be with my mother 24hrs a day for four days wearing a bathing suit seemingly the entire time? Or should I just risk it and not hug anyone.
Risk it. Keep the titties tough.
Randomize
