I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
i'm covered in glitter and body paint WTF
We're showing the video later bring pizza
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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