Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
