i just identified you from a description of your pipe
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
Randomize
