Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
either way he was missing a nipple.
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
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