my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
Randomize
