the pool opens at 11. by 1115 the ambulance had been called.
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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