Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
