she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
Playing the biology drinking game in my 8am. Drink everytime he says species or organism. I love st. Patricks day
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
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