So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
Move ovrr Titanoc and all you others. Heres the real tale of woe. This ladys failed search for boozdy goodnezs.
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
Randomize
