was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
I am one with the molecules
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
Randomize
