when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
Randomize
