This girls' body was nothing short of spectacular...her face, was like the '09 Detroit Lions
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Randomize
