Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
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