If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
i think we should start 2012 by becoming clean and sober for awhile and buckle down
ppsyche im wasted where are you
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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