He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
Sober January is a disaster.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
i think that after ALREADY drinking that much, the tube shots may have been a bad idea.. i mean afterall, i did wake up and find my cell phone IN the bonfire the next morning.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
Come back. Shots need mouths.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
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