my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
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