I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
