Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
yeah my walk of shame consisted of driving on the wrong side of the road at 6am still drunk with cum drying in my hair and left eye.
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
You have to summon your inner elephant
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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