He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize
