my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
