She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
where are my pants?
in the oven.
Randomize
