i paused nhl 10 while i jerked off and it was like a crowd was cheering me on
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
