the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
the tv said "its small, its comfortable..." and i started laughing... safe to say he lost any dignity he had left...
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
Randomize
