I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
Randomize
