counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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