The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
I’ve slept with a Senior, a Freshman and a Junior so far. I’m a Sophomore away from hitting for the cycle
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