remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
Randomize
