So drunk, too bad you don't want this
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
The point remains that this is the setup for some great stories
Or terrible, horrifying, traumatic experiences
great clearly means different things to us
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
Randomize
