cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
Randomize
