I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Randomize
