okay pat passed out under dana's car
I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
Randomize
