I want you more than these girls want KFC
Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room.
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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