Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
there was naked duck duck goose
how does that even get suggested?!
after naked leap frog.... it wasn't that big of a deal
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
Randomize
