Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
Randomize
