My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
Ok ladies its the usual spring break system. 5 for a guy, 10 for a non-lesbian girl and double points is its a group thing. Hottest guy of the day is an additional 15. GAME ON
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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