By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
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