I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
Randomize
