i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
Randomize
