I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
Randomize
