I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
Randomize
