Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
she would be the type to have more hair on her twat than on her head
she has to be all "alternative"
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
