I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
He's really cute...He stopped talking to me because i pulled my skirt up and peed in a demi plie position...
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
Randomize
