Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
theres pictures of him knuckle deep in her, both of them thumbs up and cheesin. someone should take her kid away
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Randomize
