I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
youre always welcome to strip dance on tables with me Mag. what are friends for.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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