We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
The required reading for this week is a paper about birds called great tits. Let's see my TA keep a straight face through this discussion.
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
